I discovered these quotes during my research and development of The Spicy Boudoir and I have been captivated by both of them. Something resonated deeply within both sentiments and generated a lot of thought and discussion between myself and my partner.
I have not long returned from a week at the beach. While there I gave myself time to immerse myself in nature, thought and reflection. I have been in a reflective mood lately, thinking about life and death, family, love and of course, sex.
I’m not referring to ‘sex on the brain’ – wanting it, chasing it all the time. My priority in my 50s is adjusting to menopause and maintaining my sexual being (because my body isn’t always interested and sometimes my brain is not interested too). I’m referring to the role that sex has in maintaining relationships and how important it is to our humanity. It’s the social lubricant that eases friction, generates feel-good chemicals and is an expression of love - either love for yourself or love for your partner.
Sex is not just about penis in vagina activity! Sex comes in many forms and many orifices. (oh, the puns)
In this reflective moment, my thoughts flowed to thinking about the day that I’ll be without my partner or he will be without me and it brought a flood of emotion to my heart. With deep love, we realise that there will be deep grief. As such, we have talked about each other’s passing, as well as advance care planning and health directives* and how to continue on. We have talked about finding love again. One thing we both know is that neither of us needs the other to ‘complete’ or make each other happy. We are responsible for our own happiness and our relationship is cemented in the pure joy of each other’s company. We both know that we will be okay. That the love we shared has made us better people and that love will always be with us, whether that is being sustained by memories of our relationship or have found new love.
The love, respect, and communication we have for each other did not arrive overnight. It was a slow, beautiful experience of sharing vulnerabilities, sharing history and pains of the past. Through those learnings, we have made a conscious decision to live our lives embracing our sexuality and mortality. We treasure the time we have and we celebrate each other every day.
The Maven's Tip: I believe that it really is the little things that make a difference and keeping perspective in life is one of the skills required to maintain relationships. Here are some of the acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, and love that we do on a regular basis:
We share a soft kiss and gaze into each other’s eyes at the start and end our day.
I make his coffee in the morning and sometimes his lunch. Usually, I’ll get a squeeze on the bum from behind while in the kitchen or a gorgeous, nuzzled kiss with his arms around me with a whispered ‘I love you’ close to my ear. Always makes my heart does a somersault when he does this. He’ll then iron my work clothes in the morning while we sit and chat about each other’s goals for the day.
I’m home before he is so I’ll be waiting to greet him and have a coffee loaded ready to go. At night we work together as a team to make dinner and clean up. We commit to doing things as a team as we both have the negative experience of watching others sit on their bum expectantly.
Every now and then we sit and watch Youtube videos of our favourite music from our youth. We are both teens of the 80s and have a strong affection for New Wave Romantics (you should see the mullet that my partner sported in the 80s!). We even get up and dance in the lounge room to reminisce our love of Countdown (aye, it’s cringeworthy…watch this Countdown clip of The Machinations' 1983 Hit, Pressure Sway for reference. Yep, look at the lead singer. That. Is. Us)
The whole point of what I’m trying to say is that when you choose to celebrate your sexuality and mortality you create a shift in your mindset, you’ve set the scene to create positive changes in your life. Am I psychologist sharing this advice? No, I’m not. I am a woman with a lived experience sharing her wisdom.
I believe that from the time we are created in the womb we start to die and that our end game IS death. To balance the inevitability of death, Nature has given us sex to celebrate life, living, and love.
I truly believe that Sex and Death are as natural as the air we breathe and yet we somehow have pretty much managed to f**** it up. The only real difference is that you can choose not to have sex. I don’t think death cares much about that but I do wonder how you will feel on your deathbed wishing you had embraced your sexuality and lived your life to the full.
I think Death will be my final orgasm and when it comes I may not be ready to ride that wave but I will try. In the meantime, you can be certain that I am making sure I’m not saving my best orgasm until last.
Yours in living life and being the best version of you,
If you resonate with this blog, I would love to know your thoughts and experiences so that the collective wisdom of our community can be shared.
*Do your loved ones know your wishes when you pass away? Read more about Advance Care Planning here. Show them you love them, be prepared for your end game.
If reading this blog about death has raised feelings of grief that you are unable to resolve, please reach out for help. Your GP, counselors, and organisations like Beyond Blue and Lifeline are there to support you.
PS This was the view from the front deck. You can imagine what it did for my soul.
I am absolutely thrilled to see this program appearing on National television via the Channel 10 network!
Talking about terminal illness, death and dying and life with a disability. I'm hoping that sexuality will get a mention as well as these are ALL the topics which our community and society, in general, should discuss freely, openly, without shame and embarrassment. Without awkwardness.
Blog cover photo:
Talking about lifeBy: Just me on 28 April 2019Brilliant! We need more conversations like this. Good job.
The Spicy Boudoir Response
Thank you. I'll admit it is a touchy subject for some however I believe only because it's not talked about enough!