Before I start, I hope that what I am about to say will resonate with anyone listening who feels timid about exploring their sexuality. Please do not feel ashamed. Feeling Shame towards sex is something that has been programmed into you, it is unnatural. Sex (and death) are as natural as the air we breathe and you should embrace your sexuality as well as your mortality.
In this episode, I’m going to talk about how celibacy…or rather…abstinence from having orgasms…helps me to maintain my ability to achieve orgasm. Yes…that’s right. Abstinence strengthens my ability to orgasm as well as influences the intensity!
Stick around to the end because I’m going to stand on my box of vibrators and deliver a moral to my story.
*Note to family and friends, I feel no embarrassment talking about my orgasm and you should not feel any listening to me talking about my orgasm. I am so over how hung up the whole world is about conversations around sex. The world would be in a much better place if more honest, open and educational conversations were held about sex.
I have always wondered if I am alone in how my body works and I would be interested to know if any other person experiences the same.
Let me explain how I discovered that I could supercharge my orgasms by having…none.
Let’s go back in time to the early 2000s to when I lived a life of self-imposed celibacy. I was in my mid 30s and living in a very stale, sexless marriage.
*Oh I wanted sex but just not with my husband, so I had none.
…..And this phase of my life was incredibly stressful, I was working in a fairly well paid job where I was prostituting my brain and soul, and as the breadwinner for the family I felt trapped. The notion that my life could be very different was not even on the horizon and to be honest, masturbation was all that I had to worship my inner goddess.
I tell you…There is nothing more lonely than being alone in a relationship. It’s almost as heart wrenching as unrequited love. The depth of my loneliness was a bottomless pit.
Enter the Vibrator…and that, my friends, is a very deliberate pun. My first vibrator was a cock made out of glittery pink, jelly …and OMG..…I went on an orgasmic spree of self-love with that thing. Seriously, buying a vibrator saved my life. I was heading towards a deep depression, my weight was over 150kg and looking back at that time, I realise now that all of those orgasms gave me something to look forward to and it held my mental health together. I don’t think I’d be here today and if I was, I certainly wouldn’t be the same person speaking to you today.
Now that I am older and much more sexually seasoned, when I reflect on that experience I realise it wasn’t the dildo itself that was responsible for my orgasms. It was more the feelings of self-empowerment that shifted my mindset and freed my sexuality from its chains of inhibition. Once I had freed myself I truly owned my orgasm and for the first time in my life I learned to listen to my body.
I think that’s another reason why some institutions preach that masturbation is a sin…because they know that there is power in masturbation – self-love, self-worth, and self-care and that through those channels individuals may just discover that there’s more going on than they’re meant to know.
Once I developed a long-term relationship with my vibrator it was not long before I then moved into the spare room for three years of celibacy until I ended the marriage in 2005. By that time the pink dildo was long gone and I had upgraded my collection to a big dildo.
I think that there is a genuine worry by some men that they can’t compete with a vibrator and in saying that, my mouth can’t compete with some of the masturbation devices out there (such as the Tenga Flip Orb currently stocked by The Spicy Boudoir…yes, shameless plug). Sex toys have been around for centuries and will remain in existence until the end of time. Embrace them and delight your lover with them…and of course…you can enjoy them at the same time such as the We-Vibe…again stocked by The Spicy Boudoir….
Back to my story…
The next chapter of my life post marriage was 12 months of celibacy while I devoted time to my daughter, enrolled in university and reconnected with myself spiritually, culturally, intellectually and sexually. I had so much of my life to recover. I have to be honest and say that I did not know who I was other than my gut feeling was telling me that I was capable of great achievements and that my future life would be wonderous.
So…while my body was screaming for touch…I dedicated twelve months of slow and sensual exploration of my body…teasing and testing my orgasm taught me how to speak my own language. It’s incredible to think that I did not know my own body. I tell you, now in my 50s I speak fluent Susan and I am a slut for touch. I also speak fluent fellatio…but that’s a whole other episode.
I noticed that if I pleasured myself every day… my orgasm would take longer to achieve climax and if I had a break for a week then my first orgasm would happen very quickly and then again after frequent sessions the intensity would taper off again and it would take quite a while to reach climax.
I even found that my usual ‘wank bank of fantasies’ was also starting to get jaded and that I needed to change it up frequently in order to sustain arousal to climax (and on that note I’ve always been aroused more so by erotica than visual stimulation…I prefer using my imagination than being spoon-fed imagery).
Here’s my theory…I have wondered if the clitoris can ‘habituate’ to touch as if ‘too much time at the orgasm buffet’ meant that it couldn’t look at another orgasm again. What do you think? Do you experience this too?
So I’ve come to the conclusion that my clitoris has a battery that needs regular ‘down time’ to replenish and restore and I now use that to my advantage.
Towards the end of the 12 months of self-imposed sanctions, I felt like I was walking around with a sign on my face that read ‘please fuck me’. Every month at the full moon I was experiencing heightened sexual arousal and I seriously considered approaching one of the guys at work to just put me out my misery and fuck me (and GOD am I so glad I didn’t!!!).
What I did do was jump into my imaginary Delorian and reach out to an old lover that I hadn’t seen for 15 years. We spent many months flirting on Skype and there was one time when he even wrote my name with his dick on his desk. (you’ll work that one out). In the end, he was one of those guys who was hot and steamy online but fizzled in person. What can I say? It is the truth. I was too much for him and he wasn’t enough for me.
ENTER the beautiful bogan.
I had started dating online, I was a dating virgin and total noub. I was sent a message by a man 7 years younger than me. We did the usual, first meet in a public place (aka Maccas)…I’ll not forget the first time I saw him, it was a ‘hubba hubba’ moment. Our first ‘date’ was getting up at dawn and going fishing (my suggestion). We then met that night for a serious she-bang fuck fest.
He was meant to be a six week root but we stayed together for 7 years. During that time celibacy was never mentioned and never imposed. After many years of struggling to have an orgasm during ‘partnered’ sex I dropped the reigns of my orgasm and just let it flow. I learned during that time to embrace the moment and not be so hung up on whether or not I came. He helped me reconnect to my Goddess and without his support, I too wouldn’t be where I am today. He knows who he is and I am eternally grateful.
So….let’s jump to today.
I have been partnered for just over 4 years…My body has commenced menopause and over the last three years I have watched my libido pack up shop and walk out the door. Seriously. That’s what it has felt like. There have been times when I couldn’t care less if I ever had sex again until I started listening to my body again and did a bit of research.
In the past, my arousal has been driven by my ovaries, which meant that I didn’t need to do too much in the fantasy department to experience that lovely buzz in my clitoris. Now that my ovaries have shut down the egg farm and my hormones are a bit skewed…I was in the mindset that my arousal has sailed off in the sunset, never to be felt again. How wrong I was. And I am certain that there are thousands and thousands, if not perhaps millions of women who feel the same way.
Turns out, my arousal is alive and well. I just didn’t know it had shifted house and had a different address.
It doesn’t have a doorbell anymore (that’s code for clitoris) but if someone knocks (and that someone can be me or my partner) by using physical touch and spend time exploring my erogenous zones while whispering sweet nothings in my ear then something clicks into gear and my clitoris fires up.
Foreplay for me has now entered centre stage. The longer the better. The more I am touched the more I become aroused. The more my clitoris is massaged the bigger it gets. Go figure.
I’m not sure if my orgasm has become more refined with age or if it’s because I’m more adept with my body…or because my gorgeous partner can play my instrument to perfection.
Whatever the deal is, I still find that breaks between orgasms intensify the experience and I have to wonder if any other person finds the same?
Ok…so let me drag out my boxes and shout out the moral of the story:
IF YOU HAVE NEVER USED A VIBRATOR BEFORE – NO MATTER YOUR AGE OR PHYSICAL ABILITY – GIVE IT A GO!
Please…PLEASE…do not be lying on your deathbed wishing that you had tried a vibrator before you died.
GIVING MYSELF PERMISSION to masturbate (self- pleasure, self-love) was LIBERATING. It opened a gateway to a dimension of my personality that I knew was always there but was too frightened to acknowledge…the smart, sexy, sensual Susan who has now evolved into The Maven.
I had to overcome feelings of shame and embarrassment to allow myself to masturbate…self-pleasure…wank… I’d be been raised a Catholic…not devout or strict…but there was a time in my life when I believed in God and believed that I would go to hell if I sinned.
I was raised in a good household, nothing overly strict either but certainly not a household that encouraged exploration of thought, discussions about society, politics and sex and sexuality was NEVER discussed. The naughtiest thing I ever saw on TV were the Hot Gossip dancers on Kenny Everett. My sex-education was coming home from high school one day and finding ‘Everything a Teenage Girl Should Know’ on my pillow. I didn’t read it. Glad I didn’t…it was in the vein of ‘keep your legs closed’ ‘good girls don’t do that’. Soooo judgemental. Fuuuck that.
If you have feelings of shame or embarrassment who is going to know unless you tell them? Everyone deserves sexual pleasure. Your body was created by Nature equipped with the tools for pleasure: your hands, your skin, your clitoris, your G-spot, your penis, your mind and anus. Pleasure has a purpose – it’s stress release, fulfilment and bonding.
Your personal empowerment is realised by making the decision to be true to yourself and allowing yourself to explore your sexuality. Own, and know, your orgasm.
If you don’t know where to start or how to choose the right product please reach out to me. There is no 'best vibrator for women over 50', that's just a marketing spin. It's more about choosing a product that suits your needs. My advice is to start slow, choose a smaller sized vibrator or dildo or perhaps just a clitoral massager and go from there. What I hope that at least one person does for themselves is to think, 'I'll have what she's having' and buys their very first vibrator.